When I was in college, my Daddy went to Montana for about ten days with HIS mother, leaving Mama at home. When I came home that weekend, Mama wanted us to do some things together, but I wanted to get together with my friends.
Good grief, what was I thinking?
On Friday night, I did exactly what I wanted. My good friend and I went out together. Of course, I don't have any idea what we did, though I think it involved a high school football game. I do remember that around 11 o' clock we ended up in the church parking lot with a bunch of our friends and played a game of Nerf football. One of the people there with us was my brother, who, at the time was a patrolman for the police department. When it came time for me to be home (even in college I had a midnight curfew when I was at home) he had the dispatcher call Mama and tell her where I was and that I would be home soon.
Needless to say, this really didn't go over well with Mama, but I wasn't exactly a teenager, so she couldn't punish me in the traditional sense. She did let me know that she wasn't pleased with what I had done. I can't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember feeling very small.
Fast forward nearly 20 years and that weekend still comes to my mind any time I think of things that I wish I could do-over. It is particularly on my mind this week when my husband is in Alaska and (much like Mama in the time before everyone on the planet had a cell phone) I haven't been able to talk to him hardly at all and despite all of the people I have to talk to, I still feel lonely.
I can't help but wonder how much it hurt her for me to be so selfish and insensitive to her feelings.
The bad thing about that do-over list? It keeps growing and so many of the things on that list are there because I put my needs above the needs of someone else.
Good grief, shouldn't I have learned something in the last 20 years ... shouldn't I be farther along the path to maturity?
Don't answer that, I don't think I really want to know.
6 days ago