finding focus

I have watched events in our world unfold over the last couple of weeks and have found myself fighting to keep from getting overwhelmed … and fighting not to get caught up in the fray.  When I do think about it, the thing that bothers me most is the world that my children will inherit.  I believe it was Solomon who said that there is nothing new under the sun … this world is filled with evil and it isn’t likely to get any better.  You can take down flags and call sin a fundamental right, but that won’t change the truth.  The problem isn’t going to be fixed by a bullying news media or by government legislation … but that is a soapbox for another day.

As downright terrifying as the thought of what kind of world my kids will be forced to deal with can be, it isn’t the only thing that threatens to send my thoughts and my mood into a downward spiral.  Life in general can get pretty discouraging.  I have spent the better part of this week giving in to despair – partly due to things outside of my control and partly due to mistakes I have made - I could spend the next ten minutes (at least) outlining all the negative things in which I have allowed myself to get caught up. However, that wouldn’t do me, or anyone reading this, any good.

The fact is that no matter what is going on in life, the thing that matters most is where we find our focus.  When my focus is on myself, I find myself bogged down in self-pity and despair.  Fortunately for me, I have a Father who loves me enough to remind me that this is not who I am.  All week the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the Sea of Galilee keeps coming to my mind.  I know the story well; it is one of my favorites … and, not just as a holdover from my childhood.  I have loved this story as an adult who knows what it means to find myself drowning in my circumstances. 

The background of the story is that Jesus has just fed well over 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.  The disciples not only witnessed the miracle, they participated in the distribution of the food.  They saw thousands of hungry people fed with what should have satisfied only a small boy.  These men saw needs met in a way that could only be accomplished by Almighty God.  I’ve often wondered if the people in the crowd understood the miracle that occurred that day.

After the crowds dispersed, Jesus sent His disciples ahead on the Sea of Galilee as He went to pray. (This is, of course, an entire lesson unto itself, but it isn’t where I’m heading today.)  As the story goes, the disciples were on the sea, being “tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.”  Out of the night, in the midst of the wind and waves, “Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.”  I have tried to imagine what it must have been like to see this dark figure coming out of a dark night, when the waves were high and the wind was blowing; the disciples were understandably terrified … I would probably have fainted.  Immediately, Jesus spoke words of comfort to his disciples – His closest friends, the people who knew Him best – but they must not have been sure it was Him because Peter said: “Lord, if it be thou, bid me to come unto thee on the water.”

How many times have I done just that?  Times when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and before I even ask, Jesus comes to me with words of comfort – a familiar scripture that “pops” into my head or the words of a hymn that I begin to sing without even knowing why – and yet I question, “Lord, is this you?”

While my questions are usually filled with questions, Peter’s question was filled with faith (or maybe it was impulsiveness).  He wasn’t sure if it was Jesus, but he desperately wanted to know, and he was willing to step out of the boat to find out.  This is one of the things I love about Peter … he didn’t play it safe.  He didn’t discuss it with a committee, he didn’t sit back to wait and see, no, he just said “Lord, give me the word and I’ll jump out of the boat!”  And that is just what he did.

But, straightway, Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me to come unto thee on the water.  And he said, Come.  And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, same me.  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. Then they that were in the ship, came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God. Matthew 14:27-33

For those of us who have spent a lifetime in Sunday School, we may be tempted to see this story in the warm light of crafts and coloring pages.  In reality, there is so much truth that we need to embrace packed into these few verses.  The one word that keeps coming to my mind is FOCUS.  Peter had enough faith to step out of the boat – which is huge.  I want that kind of faith.  I don’t want to play it safe in my walk with Jesus.  But, even in his faith, Peter faltered when he was surrounded by the waves and the wind and suddenly he forgot where he was going.  His focus shifted to the storm around him rather than the peace he could find in the face of Jesus. 

The reason that I spent several days wallowing in doubt and fear earlier this week is because I took my eyes off of the Savior and focused on the situation.  This is never a good idea, no matter what is going on. There is no doubt that we are living in grave times as a nation.  However, as Christians, we have been commanded not to fear and promised that fear does not come from God (2 Timothy 1:7).  Jesus never promised us an easy life, as a matter of fact, He promised us just the opposite.  We shouldn’t be surprised when we face real hardship or when the world doesn’t like us.  All of the terrible things going on in the world can’t change who we are in Christ. 

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

Jesus didn’t call us to get caught up in the things of the world; He called us to be set apart and to point the world to Him.  We can’t do that if we are focusing on the storm around us.  This leads me to two final passages of scripture.  The first was one of my Mama’s favorites and the second is one of mine.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.  Romans 8:18

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39

I am so thankful that I serve a Savior who will not give up on me, even when I take my eyes off of Him and get caught up in the fray.   I am also thankful for a friend who will remind me of one very important point.  “He didn’t let Peter drown, did He?”

educated?

It happens every year about this time. I realize that we are approaching the end of the school year and we haven't accomplished as much as I would have liked.  It doesn't matter that we school year-round, so the end of the school year simply means that there will be a change in our extra-curricular activities … we go from drama and dance to Vacation Bible School preparation … but that is another story in itself.

This year is different, though.  Now that I have my first high-school student, I am feeling the pressure to “keep up” with what her counterparts in public school, or even other homeschoolers, are doing.

But, that is not why I am educating my children at home.

All of this contemplation has led me to really search out what it means to be educated.  I looked up the definition … and the word means exactly what I thought it meant, but what does that really mean for my kids?

Simply put, what is it that I want my children to know before they graduate?  More importantly, what do they need to know before they leave the safety of our home and make their way in the world?  Does my responsibility for my children's education end with a list of courses to finish and credits to list on a transcript?  Somehow, this seems to miss out on the whole point of what I have spent the last 10 years doing … or at least aiming to do. I don’t want my kids to leave home thinking that their education has been limited to the time we have spent doing bookwork.

With that in mind, I am working on a list of the “things” I want the kids to know or understand before they leave the nest.  This list probably won't scratch the surface of everything that they really need, but I am just going to start and see how far I get.

To my children:

·        Each of you is loved unconditionally.  The love that your Daddy and I have for you is in no way tied to anything you might (or might not) accomplish ~ academically or otherwise.  But, never forget that we do not love you perfectly … we don’t have that ability.  We have made mistakes and we will continue to make mistakes.  Our mistakes don’t mean that we love you any less, they simply mean that we are human.

·        I want the three of you to learn to love each other unconditionally.  Someday you just might need each other … don’t wait for that day to come to become friends.

·        On the same train of thought as #1, you each need to understand that you are not the center of our world.  I don’t believe that God ever intended it to be that way.  Someday, you will step out of our home and make your own way in the world.  When you do, it will go easier for you if you already understand that you aren’t the center of the universe. This may not make sense to you now, but someday it will.

·        I want you to know the value of hard work.  Sometimes teaching you this seems like a losing battle to your daddy and me.  But we will continue plugging along.  You may not enjoy hard work now, but I pray that you learn to do it anyway. (See Colossians 3:17)

·        I also want you to know the beauty of serving others.  This is something that I already see each of you embracing, and I am extremely proud of you for it.  Just don’t lose the joy you now find in service. I don’t claim to have learned too many things in this life, but I do believe that you will never regret time spent serving others.  Oh, and don’t worry if they don’t seem to appreciate what you do.  Ultimately, what you do isn’t for them anyway.  (Again, see Colossians 3:17)

·        I want you to know the importance of being willing to step out of your comfort zones and try new things.  This was probably one of the hardest lessons I had to learn as an adult.  Don’t wait like I did. You will be amazed by the things you can accomplish if you are willing to try.

·        I want you to learn how to be a friend.  This is a tough one.  I am “full-grown” and I am still learning.  Learn to forgive, even when it is hard.  Learn that just when someone seems most un-lovable, this is most likely the time that they need someone to show them love.  Ask God to allow you to see people the way He sees them.

·        I want you to know how to think outside the box.  I don’t want you to buck the system just for the sake of being different, but I don’ t want you to follow the crowd either.  Think for yourself.  And more importantly, pray and seek God’s guidance and then follow Him!  (See Proverbs 3:5-6)

·        There is one final lesson that I want you to know before I type up that final transcript.  I want you to know HOW to learn.  In the immortal words of Ernest T. Bass, you will learn how to “read a little, write a little, and tote up yer ciphers” during the years we school together, but unless you walk away knowing how to learn things on your own, I will have failed you.  And what is probably more important, I want you to WANT to learn.  I hope that you will never forget the saying that hangs on our school room wall –

If you are not willing to learn,

 no one can help you.

If you are determined to learn,

 no one can stop you.

This list is by no means comprehensive, but maybe it is a good beginning.  I am thankful that I still have a few more years to be involved in my children's education, but I know that the time will fly and I will be typing that final transcript before I know it ... 

but I'm not going to dwell on that thought right now.

remembrance

We had a few minutes before the service started. People were chatting all around us, but we sat quietly talking about what we were about to do. He's seen us prepare for and participate in this solemn ordinance many times, but this is only his second time to partake. I asked him if he understood what it meant to prepare our hearts, to not take of the meal “unworthily” … he was solemn and serious as he answered and we talked about confession and forgiveness. And then my little wild-child closed his eyes and leaned into me. I don't know what happened in those few moments and I don't know if he will remember that moment in years to come, but I will.

I can't help but think of the gift that Jesus gave to His disciples ~ His friends ~ this gift that has been passed down to us. An invitation to remember … to never forget … to never take for granted His broken body and shed blood.

He paid a debt He did not owe because I owed a debt I could not pay.  May I never forget.

And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me.  After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood:  this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me.  For as often as ye eat this bread, and drink this cup, ye do shew the Lord's death till he come. 

1 Corinthians 11:24-27 

Galatians 6:2

Tonight, I stood in my kitchen frying chicken as the tears fell ...

I miss my Mama.

I've been looking back through blog posts that I have started and not finished.  I figure it is time to finish this one since it has been on my mind lately ... I'm not sure how long it has been since I started this post, but I do know that nothing has changed.

In less than a week, we will mark 18 months since my Mama died.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.  At least once a week, I almost reach for the phone to tell her something ... anything.  There are so many things I wish I could ask her ... things I wish I had asked when I had the chance.

I know in my heart that I am no different than anyone else.  Everywhere I look, I see hurting people ... and in this fallen world we live in, death isn't the only thing that brings grief.  If I have learned anything over the last 18 months, it is that grief is an intensely personal journey.  A path that we all walk a little differently.  

But it is not meant to be a private journey.

Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Stop and let that sink in a minute.

We were never created to walk through our trials alone.  As Christians, we know that we always have the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort us (see John 14), but God also commands us to be there for each other ~ to help in time of need.  God doesn’t tell us to fix the problem, He simply tells us to share in the burden.

I am not very good at this ~ in either direction.  My tendency is to be a hermit.  I want to hold on to my personal pain and I often shrink from the pain of others.  But this isn’t what God intended. 

I have often heard it said and probably even said it myself, that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I no longer think this is true.  I believe that God allows situations that we absolutely cannot handle on our own ~ whatever form they may take ~ in our lives that are needed to help us to grow and mature in our faith.

When I think back 18 months to the time when Mama was home on Hospice care and then to the day she died and the days following, my mind doesn’t always immediately go to the pain and grief.  I can also think of my sweet friends in our homeschool group who provided meals for my family in a time when they would have been living on peanut butter and jelly had it been up to me.  And then there was the amazing “coincidence” that my dear friend from church was in town the day Mama died despite the fact that she has moved a couple of hours away.  Amy chose to come sit with me during one of the most difficult days of my life.

My friends didn’t have to bear my burden, but I will never forget that they chose to be the hands and feet of Jesus for me.  I pray that I never miss an opportunity to do the same for someone else.

a message in a box

Our family began packing shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child 10 or 11 years ago.  At that time, it was just a mission project suggested by a lady in our church.  I knew nothing of the ministry of Operation Christmas Child and very little about Samaritan’s Purse.  Over the last decade, I have learned to love this ministry ~ first by simply packing shoeboxes with my family, and later as the coordinator for a local relay center (drop-off location).

Each year, from January to October, our church collects items that will be used to fill our shoeboxes during a church-wide packing party.  This is one of my favorite events of the entire year.  I have seen church members from preschool age to senior adults (some in their late 80’s) coming together to pack shoeboxes for children we will likely never meet (this side of Heaven) in countries we will most likely never visit.  I love that Operation Christmas Child provides a mission field for the entire church to work together, but this is just a piece of the story. 

While I have a part in packing many boxes each year, I always pack one special box.  This box is one that I work on all year long ~ usually for an older girl.  While school supplies, hygiene items, and other basics go in every box I pack, I choose the items for this box carefully and it is important to me that it includes certain extra things.  I always include at least one thing that is handmade and since I crochet, that item is often a scarf or small bag.  I also include crayons and a coloring book.  Finally, I always include a carefully chosen stuffed animal ~ one that carries a special message of love to the little girl who will find it in her gift.

These extra items are meant to convey the simple message of this shoebox gift. Most important to me is the stuffed animal. Though she may not understand it, I choose the stuffed animal early in the year and use it to remind me to pray for the child who will receive this box and all the others that are packed in our church.  The most important message in my shoebox, or any other one, is that  "God loves you and sent His Son to redeem you.”  I want this young woman to know that she is being prayed for and that she is not forgotten. 

The true beauty of this message isn't only revealed in the faces of the children who will receive the gifts.  It is true that they will hear, perhaps for the first time in their lives, that there is a Savior who gave Himself for them.  They will have the opportunity to learn about the amazing love of Jesus and that is nothing short of a miracle.  But, they aren't the only ones who receive a gift through the packing of shoeboxes.  Each year, during collection week, I hear countless stories of how packing a "simple gift" has impacted the lives of individuals, families, and churches.  We have received boxes that were packed by abused women in a battered women's shelter and boxes packed by adults with special needs at a local center.  These boxes are placed alongside hundreds of others ~ some from individuals, some from families, and some packed by churches of all sizes.  Each box has a story, a reason it is packed, and each box is special.

The ultimate message is this ... God created and gifted each of us in a special way for His glory.  Whatever your part in the process, from the packing, to collecting, to processing, and even to receiving, God has a plan for your life.  I may never know how God plans to use the children who receive the shoeboxes that I have a part in packing, but that is okay.  I have no doubt that I can trust Him to accomplish His will and I am thankful for the opportunity to have a small part in it.

the journey

This fall begins our 11^th year as a homeschooling family.  It has been quite a journey.  One with more ups and downs than I care to remember.

Actually, I’m not sure exactly how to count the years we have spent homeschooling since Ronnie and I made the decision before our children were even born.  My desire has always been to foster an atmosphere of learning ~ though I’m not sure I’ve accomplished that goal, at least not in the way I envisioned it in the days when my children were still toddling around the house with sippy cups.  I had dreamy visions of kids happily bounding out of bed each morning, eager to see what the day would hold.  We might spend the day tramping in the woods or writing compositions or reading the classics.  In my dream world, my children would all absolutely adore school and I would never, ever have to coax them to do their work.

I’m sure that it is unnecessary to say that reality is just a wee bit different absolutely nothing like those early visions.  My children have a love/hate relationship with sleep … they hate it when I am trying to get them to go to sleep and they love it when I am trying to wake them up.  The only time they voluntarily “bound out of bed” … um, actually I don’t think that has ever happened.  Mornings are not our favorite time of day. None of my kids are child prodigies-they won’t be graduating from high school at 13 headed for some Ivy League school. 

Just for the record, I am okay with that.

Somewhere along the way, over the last decade of our journey, I traded those idealized dreams for the reality of life.  Our days may not look like what I thought they would, and we may not have covered as much material as the world says we should have, but God’s hand has been in our journey.   Each of my children is smart in their own way.  They are gifted, maybe not by the world’s standards, but thankfully, it is God’s standards that matter. Their giftedness comes from Him and He doesn’t make mistakes.

There have been many difficult days on this journey.  Some of the troubles we have brought on ourselves, some are things that we simply couldn’t avoid.  But there have also been many wonderful days.  There have been days full of bickering and days full of snuggling.  There have been days when we struggled through the work and days when learning seemed effortless and fun.  Most days are a mixed bag of good and bad, easy and hard. There have been days when my only desire was to throw in the towel and just give up. Fortunately, on those days, my sweet husband reminds me that we didn't choose this path randomly.

God called us to it and confirmed it even before Ronnie and I were married.  

Each day that rolls presents an opportunity to choose joy.  I have become keenly aware, over the course of several years, that my children’s ability to navigate the day ~good or bad~ is directly connected to how I choose to navigate the day. Ouch.  I have no desire to admit how many days I have sabotaged with my own bad attitude. But, I am learning and they are learning and together we are making strides to change our attitudes.

I don’t claim to have gained much wisdom, but there are two things I would tell anyone new to the homeschooling journey.  Things I wish I had understood better when I first started out on this journey.

First and foremost, bathe your journey in prayer.  When the day starts to fall apart, don’t fall apart with it ~ stop immediately and pray.  And when you do fall apart (because we all do) don’t waste time beating yourself up about it. It won’t help.  I have begun to be honest with my kids … I tell them that I know I have messed up and ask them to forgive me.  And then we pray together and try again.  In the end, it is my prayer that my children will remember that we all make mistakes and we all need to seek forgiveness.

The second thing I know for certain is that we shouldn’t try to go this journey alone.  Ronnie and I have been blessed with a great biological family and a wonderful church family; both have been supportive of our journey, even when they don't fully understand what we are doing.  I am extremely thankful not to have faced opposition from either of these groups.  But, God has blessed us with another group of people to help us along the way and I am so thankful.

Our first year homeschooling, Ronnie and I went to a homeschool materials display at a nearby hotel.  While there, we ran into a friend of his from college.  He introduced me and during the course of the conversation, this old friend invited me to visit a meeting of her homeschool support group.  I had no idea what to expect and I didn't really know anyone there, but I went and have never regretted it.  Before I even knew that I needed a group, God met my need.  Just when I would begin thinking that I was the only one experiencing some particular problem, I would go to some event and in just chatting with other moms I would realize that I was not alone.  Later, our family would join with several others to form a new homeschool group and this group has become even more like family to me.  Some of the moms have been schooling their children much longer than I have, while others are just starting out; but we all have something to offer each other: community and shared experiences.  It is an excellent picture of the Titus 2 lifestyle ~ though often the wisdom flows both ways, not just from older to younger.  I have learned much from listening to others on this journey, no matter their age.

I firmly believe that God designed us for community.  Just like a Christian cannot thrive without a church family, I believe that homeschoolers need community, as well.  I realize that not every homeschooling family would agree that they need a support group, but I know that I most likely wouldn't have survived this journey alone and I am so thankful to God for having provided for me before I even knew what I needed.

I really didn't intend to write this particular post.  I actually began with the idea of sharing how one of the ladies in our group helped me to see some things I was missing as I begin a new phase of homeschooling with two teenagers - including our first high-school student.  But, now that this little history of our journey is written, I think I am glad.  Maybe one day it will help my children see the journey a little clearer.  

And, maybe it will help me to remember to be ever-thankful for the great blessings God has poured into my life through this journey of educating my children and finding out that I am learning at least as much as they are ... probably more.

struggles, grace, and a thought about service

Sometimes things happen in this life of which our finite minds just cannot make sense.  Lately, it seems like there are more things happening in that category of life than in any other.  This past Sunday morning, just when I was finding myself submerged in my own world - focusing only on the struggles there, the Holy Spirit gently prodded me back to reality with a simple hymn.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.

To added affliction He addeth his mercy;

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father's full giving in only begun.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

No one is immune to the struggles of this world, but fortunately for us, we have the promise that greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)  No matter what we face, what heavy burden we carry, we have the promises of scripture to help us stay the course when we all we want to do is crawl under the covers and hide from the day ahead.

There are many scriptures that I could draw on for times like these, but among my favorite are:

 2 Timothy 1:12 

... for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.

and Philippians 4:19

... But my God shall supply ALL your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

and finally, Philippians 4:6-7, which were also among my Mama's favorite verses,

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

One final thought ... our devotion this week in Wednesday night Bible study was led by one of my favorite ladies ... and she shared some thoughts on service.  Two things stood out to me that I feel the need to ponder on and I thought I would share them with you, just in case you might want to ponder them, too.

"Outside of the will of Christ there may be much activity, but there can be no service."

"Service is a state of being, not of doing."

Back to the original topic, here is a video of the Gaithers singing  He Giveth More Grace among some other hymns ... 

a shiny new year

Another year has come and gone and I, for one, am glad.  2013 was, without a doubt, the hardest year of my life, thus far. And yet, it wouldn't be correct to look at this past year as if there were no good days and nothing for which to be thankful.

I spent the morning of January 1st looking over a journal that I started for the specific purpose of recording the blessings in my life and realized that I had only written one page in that journal in 2013 ~ that realization both startled and saddened me.  Despite the difficulties of 2013, last year had just as many days for which to be thankful as any other year.  My level of thankfulness should never be based on my current circumstances.

In my first post of 2013, I concluded with this paragraph:

...my prayer is that God will show me which things that HE wants me to focus on and which things I should simply leave in the past.  My desire is that when 2013 draws to a close, I will be able to say that the most important change in this year has been that I have drawn closer to God, because I know that in doing so, He will draw closer to me.  What more can we ask from a shiny new year?

Today, I pray that the lessons of 2013 will not be forgotten.  This past year taught reminded me that God will carry me through the hardest days - He always provides exactly what I need and His timing is always perfect.

Now, 2014 stretches before me, still fresh and new.  Before it comes to a close, there will be struggles and frustrations, good days, bad days, and days when I just want to give up ~ but through it all, there will be days of grace, days when forgiveness is sought and freely given ... life lessons lived and learned, and in the end, growth.

The end result is that my prayer for 2013 continues into 2014 and this song sums it up far better than I could.

Happy New Year!

the bumpity road

I can't even begin to count the number of times that I have traveled over this road.

As kids, my brothers and I walked it to meet the school bus and rode our bikes (and later our horses) over its one little hill and hundreds of ruts to get to the main road,  you know, the one that was paved.  As teens, we learned to drive going back and forth to that main road. 

Now I drive this little road with my own kids.  As a matter of fact, they are the ones that dubbed it the bumpity road.  When they were younger, they couldn't wait to turn onto this dirt road because they knew that as soon as the car tires left the pavement it was safe for them to take off their seat belts.  

Very few people even know where this tiny little dirt road goes, but for me this little bumpity road is special for one very important reason ...

                                                                                 ... it leads home.


A few weeks ago, around the beginning of spring, I was driving this road alone and the sun was shining and the trees and grass were as green as I have ever seen them, and the thought came to me how this road is, in some ways, a lot like life.  

If I am only looking down at the bumps in the road, I might miss the beauty around me.

But there is much more to this little road than a life lesson.

This little road takes me to a place where I feel safe.  

A place where I can go to find refuge in a storm.

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I wrote the words above sometime last year and, despite the fact that the road has gotten considerably more "bumpity" over the last few months, I find that they are still true today.  
You see, I am writing the post that I have been dreading since the first time I blogged about cancer.  And, despite the fact that I have written it in my head more than once~ testing the waters, so to speak~ I just haven't been able to find the right words or force my fingers to type them.  Truth be told, I don't want to write this post now, but I have come to realize that I must.  I cannot move forward until I gather my courage and do it.  I want to blog.  I have lots of posts that I want to write, but I just can't.  There was a time when I found great joy in blogging, but now I can't even comment on my friends' blogs ~ this unwritten post is just too heavy on my mind.

I know that this probably sounds a little melodramatic, but I just can't help it.  This is just one more step in walking through the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  Well, perhaps walking is the wrong word ... groping would probably be more accurate - now I'm going to do a little more groping and actually type the words ...

Last Friday was my Daddy's 71st birthday and last Friday also marked three months since my Mama went home to be with Jesus.  

There, I've said it.

There are many, many things I'd like to say about my Mama, and maybe someday I will share more of them here, but today I'll only share the thing that I have clung to for these last few months.  

My mother was serious about her faith.  She knew the love of her Savior here on earth and now she is experiencing that love first hand.  And, like many others before me, I can say that despite the fact that I am experiencing a sadness that I cannot explain in mere words, I would never, ever want her to leave the joys of Heaven to return to the pain of this fallen world.  

I don't suppose I will ever stop missing Mama as long as I am on this side of Heaven, but as long as I am here, I pray that I can follow in her footsteps and live the legacy she left for her children and grandchildren. 

 A legacy of love and devotion to her Savior, to her family, and to her friends.

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I don't know how I originally intended to finish the post that I titled the bumpity road.  Who knows, maybe this is the ending that this particular post needed.

I do know that the bumpity road has changed for me.  
That little road still leads home, but it will never be the same.  

My understanding of home has changed.

I will always be thankful for the home that Mama made for our family and the fact that I could (and still can) return to that home and find comfort, but I am even more thankful for the knowledge that this fallen world, filled with bumpity roads, is not my final home.  

This is Mama's legacy.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, 

when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

Psalm 61:2

I will say of the LORD, 

He is my refuge and my fortress: 

my God; in him will I trust. 

Psalm 91:2

Someday, when my children are grown, I pray that they will look at the bumpity roads that they have walked and know that there is a place where they can find refuge in a storm.  I pray that I will always point them to the One who is able to provide that refuge.  I always want to be there for them, just as Mama was always there for me, but ultimately, I hope they know, just as Mama taught me, that it is not me (or anyone else) that they need ... it is Jesus.

Jesus saith unto him, 

I am the way, the truth, and the life: 

no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. 

John 14:6

Peace I leave with you, 

my peace I give unto you: 

not as the world giveth, give I unto you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, 

neither let it be afraid. 

John 14:27

Christmas, really?

It seems that lately I haven't been able to find any words for this little blog of mine.  Not that there haven't been things to blog about, there are plenty of things I want to share.  But, it seems that each time I sit down, fingers poised over the keyboard, my mind goes blank and the words just won't transfer from my brain to my fingers.  It makes me sad to think of all the things that I wanted to write about that I have missed ... kids' birthdays, school struggles and triumphs, LB's first play, JW's leading role in the Christmas musical, and the list goes on ... 

So, what is it that has finally prompted me to actually force the words from my brain to the screen?  I suppose it could be coming to the end of another year and looking forward to a new one ... that always makes me a bit reflective.  I don't really know the answer, but maybe I'll be able to find my way out of this blogging slump since I really do miss sharing regularly.

This has been the most un-Christmas like Christmas ever for our family.  We almost didn't even put up a tree and we didn't get out any of our decorations except for the Nativity scene that LB insisted we couldn't have Christmas without.  We did finally buy a very small tree less than a week before Christmas and decorate it with the new ornaments that we have received this year.  We jokingly called it our Charlie Brown tree.  I didn't even begin shopping until the week before Christmas and even then we basically only shopped for the kids.

We didn't plan for this to be an unusually small Christmas, but then things don't always go as we have planned, now do they?  I said several times that I couldn't figure out how we got from Dec. 1st to the 15th without my noticing the passing of time, but we did.  During the first half of this month, all three kids were in a production with our home school group.  LB was in her first play and the boys were in a Christmas musical.  

The following week, it became clear that Ronnie's grandmother would likely not live until Christmas, so he made a flying trip to the coast to see her.  He had only been home a few hours when the news came that she had passed away and we began making preparations to return to the coast for the funeral.  Her life should have a blog-post all its own, but I'll simply say that she lived all of her 96 years well and that her family is a testimony to her love for the Lord and her willingness to serve Him.

Ronnie, LB and I returned home on Sunday (leaving the boys with Ronnie's Mom) to try to get the house ready for his Mom to come stay with us for Christmas.  Again, this could be a post all its own, but suffice it to say that I have been reminded, in a very clear way, that I really need to get a better handle on keeping my home clean and organized.  A new continued project from years past, that I will take into 2013 ... maybe this will be the year I succeed!

So, Granny and the boys arrive on Wednesday (as in the 19th) and with her help we got the shopping done ... in other words, she kept the kids while I shopped.  It is a good thing that we basically finished on Friday, since she and Ronnie spent Saturday in the ER finding out that he had cellulitis (an infection under the skin) and not a blood clot in his leg.  We were supposed to spend Saturday with my family, but LB was sick and Ronnie was in the ER so I stayed home.  The boys did go, though they shouldn't have since they were both sick before the weekend was over.

And that brings us to another first for us, (we've never before NOT put out any of our normal decorations) all three kids were sick on Christmas.  JW was the most miserable, though they were all coughing, sneezing, and running low grade temps.  He was so miserable that he had to force himself to open his gifts and then he just set them aside took to the couch.  They have felt so bad that they didn't leave the house for a full week and when we finally ventured out today, they kept asking if they could please go home!

So, why all this talk of the Christmas that almost didn't come?  Because it has caused me to reflect on what Christmas really means to me.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I know the true meaning of Christmas, but what I am questioning is the place that Christmas has in MY heart.  Does worshiping my Savior come somewhere behind all the traditions that have always been important to me?  This year, with everything stripped bare, I have been able to see more clearly the things that need to change ... not in how I decorate or in how many presents I buy, but in my heart.

There was a song in our Christmas musical this year called What Christmas Really Means and it sums up how I have been feeling much better than any words I can come up with.  I wish that I could find it for you to listen to, but the printed words will have to suffice.  It is kind of long, but oh, so worth it.

We're invited to the sacred manger

where Glory sleeps upon the hay,

to bow in wonder at the myst'ry

of all that is fulfilled this day.

Oh hallelujah!  Where there was darkness,

now heaven's Light has intervened.

A child is born and we watch breathless

to see what Christmas really means.

We're invited to relive the journey

from Bethlehem to Calvary.

The Lamb will lead us to the hillside

where ev'ry willing soul is freed.

Oh hallelujah! He dies to save us,

and we fall silent at the scene.

Oh, pierce our hearts to feel the sorrow.

This is what Christmas really means.

We're invited to the tomb, now empty

for dawn has come and hope is here.

The curse is swallowed up in vict'ry,

and there is nothing left to fear.

Oh hallelujah! Jesus has risen.

Come sing the song of the redeemed

as we proclaim to men and angels,

behold what Christmas really means.

Oh hallelujah! We'll shout forever.

Love's final chapter is complete.

And He will reign and we will worship.

Oh hallelujah to the King.

As I contemplate the end of another year, I want to begin 2013 with an attitude of worship ... not because the calendar tells me that some day has been set aside to recognize what my Savior has done for me, but because Jesus lives in my heart and that is the only reason I should need.