finding focus

I have watched events in our world unfold over the last couple of weeks and have found myself fighting to keep from getting overwhelmed … and fighting not to get caught up in the fray.  When I do think about it, the thing that bothers me most is the world that my children will inherit.  I believe it was Solomon who said that there is nothing new under the sun … this world is filled with evil and it isn’t likely to get any better.  You can take down flags and call sin a fundamental right, but that won’t change the truth.  The problem isn’t going to be fixed by a bullying news media or by government legislation … but that is a soapbox for another day.

As downright terrifying as the thought of what kind of world my kids will be forced to deal with can be, it isn’t the only thing that threatens to send my thoughts and my mood into a downward spiral.  Life in general can get pretty discouraging.  I have spent the better part of this week giving in to despair – partly due to things outside of my control and partly due to mistakes I have made - I could spend the next ten minutes (at least) outlining all the negative things in which I have allowed myself to get caught up. However, that wouldn’t do me, or anyone reading this, any good.

The fact is that no matter what is going on in life, the thing that matters most is where we find our focus.  When my focus is on myself, I find myself bogged down in self-pity and despair.  Fortunately for me, I have a Father who loves me enough to remind me that this is not who I am.  All week the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the Sea of Galilee keeps coming to my mind.  I know the story well; it is one of my favorites … and, not just as a holdover from my childhood.  I have loved this story as an adult who knows what it means to find myself drowning in my circumstances. 

The background of the story is that Jesus has just fed well over 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.  The disciples not only witnessed the miracle, they participated in the distribution of the food.  They saw thousands of hungry people fed with what should have satisfied only a small boy.  These men saw needs met in a way that could only be accomplished by Almighty God.  I’ve often wondered if the people in the crowd understood the miracle that occurred that day.

After the crowds dispersed, Jesus sent His disciples ahead on the Sea of Galilee as He went to pray. (This is, of course, an entire lesson unto itself, but it isn’t where I’m heading today.)  As the story goes, the disciples were on the sea, being “tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.”  Out of the night, in the midst of the wind and waves, “Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.”  I have tried to imagine what it must have been like to see this dark figure coming out of a dark night, when the waves were high and the wind was blowing; the disciples were understandably terrified … I would probably have fainted.  Immediately, Jesus spoke words of comfort to his disciples – His closest friends, the people who knew Him best – but they must not have been sure it was Him because Peter said: “Lord, if it be thou, bid me to come unto thee on the water.”

How many times have I done just that?  Times when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and before I even ask, Jesus comes to me with words of comfort – a familiar scripture that “pops” into my head or the words of a hymn that I begin to sing without even knowing why – and yet I question, “Lord, is this you?”

While my questions are usually filled with questions, Peter’s question was filled with faith (or maybe it was impulsiveness).  He wasn’t sure if it was Jesus, but he desperately wanted to know, and he was willing to step out of the boat to find out.  This is one of the things I love about Peter … he didn’t play it safe.  He didn’t discuss it with a committee, he didn’t sit back to wait and see, no, he just said “Lord, give me the word and I’ll jump out of the boat!”  And that is just what he did.

But, straightway, Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me to come unto thee on the water.  And he said, Come.  And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, same me.  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. Then they that were in the ship, came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God. Matthew 14:27-33

For those of us who have spent a lifetime in Sunday School, we may be tempted to see this story in the warm light of crafts and coloring pages.  In reality, there is so much truth that we need to embrace packed into these few verses.  The one word that keeps coming to my mind is FOCUS.  Peter had enough faith to step out of the boat – which is huge.  I want that kind of faith.  I don’t want to play it safe in my walk with Jesus.  But, even in his faith, Peter faltered when he was surrounded by the waves and the wind and suddenly he forgot where he was going.  His focus shifted to the storm around him rather than the peace he could find in the face of Jesus. 

The reason that I spent several days wallowing in doubt and fear earlier this week is because I took my eyes off of the Savior and focused on the situation.  This is never a good idea, no matter what is going on. There is no doubt that we are living in grave times as a nation.  However, as Christians, we have been commanded not to fear and promised that fear does not come from God (2 Timothy 1:7).  Jesus never promised us an easy life, as a matter of fact, He promised us just the opposite.  We shouldn’t be surprised when we face real hardship or when the world doesn’t like us.  All of the terrible things going on in the world can’t change who we are in Christ. 

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

Jesus didn’t call us to get caught up in the things of the world; He called us to be set apart and to point the world to Him.  We can’t do that if we are focusing on the storm around us.  This leads me to two final passages of scripture.  The first was one of my Mama’s favorites and the second is one of mine.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.  Romans 8:18

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39

I am so thankful that I serve a Savior who will not give up on me, even when I take my eyes off of Him and get caught up in the fray.   I am also thankful for a friend who will remind me of one very important point.  “He didn’t let Peter drown, did He?”

Galatians 6:2

Tonight, I stood in my kitchen frying chicken as the tears fell ...

I miss my Mama.

I've been looking back through blog posts that I have started and not finished.  I figure it is time to finish this one since it has been on my mind lately ... I'm not sure how long it has been since I started this post, but I do know that nothing has changed.

In less than a week, we will mark 18 months since my Mama died.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.  At least once a week, I almost reach for the phone to tell her something ... anything.  There are so many things I wish I could ask her ... things I wish I had asked when I had the chance.

I know in my heart that I am no different than anyone else.  Everywhere I look, I see hurting people ... and in this fallen world we live in, death isn't the only thing that brings grief.  If I have learned anything over the last 18 months, it is that grief is an intensely personal journey.  A path that we all walk a little differently.  

But it is not meant to be a private journey.

Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Stop and let that sink in a minute.

We were never created to walk through our trials alone.  As Christians, we know that we always have the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort us (see John 14), but God also commands us to be there for each other ~ to help in time of need.  God doesn’t tell us to fix the problem, He simply tells us to share in the burden.

I am not very good at this ~ in either direction.  My tendency is to be a hermit.  I want to hold on to my personal pain and I often shrink from the pain of others.  But this isn’t what God intended. 

I have often heard it said and probably even said it myself, that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I no longer think this is true.  I believe that God allows situations that we absolutely cannot handle on our own ~ whatever form they may take ~ in our lives that are needed to help us to grow and mature in our faith.

When I think back 18 months to the time when Mama was home on Hospice care and then to the day she died and the days following, my mind doesn’t always immediately go to the pain and grief.  I can also think of my sweet friends in our homeschool group who provided meals for my family in a time when they would have been living on peanut butter and jelly had it been up to me.  And then there was the amazing “coincidence” that my dear friend from church was in town the day Mama died despite the fact that she has moved a couple of hours away.  Amy chose to come sit with me during one of the most difficult days of my life.

My friends didn’t have to bear my burden, but I will never forget that they chose to be the hands and feet of Jesus for me.  I pray that I never miss an opportunity to do the same for someone else.

the journey

This fall begins our 11^th year as a homeschooling family.  It has been quite a journey.  One with more ups and downs than I care to remember.

Actually, I’m not sure exactly how to count the years we have spent homeschooling since Ronnie and I made the decision before our children were even born.  My desire has always been to foster an atmosphere of learning ~ though I’m not sure I’ve accomplished that goal, at least not in the way I envisioned it in the days when my children were still toddling around the house with sippy cups.  I had dreamy visions of kids happily bounding out of bed each morning, eager to see what the day would hold.  We might spend the day tramping in the woods or writing compositions or reading the classics.  In my dream world, my children would all absolutely adore school and I would never, ever have to coax them to do their work.

I’m sure that it is unnecessary to say that reality is just a wee bit different absolutely nothing like those early visions.  My children have a love/hate relationship with sleep … they hate it when I am trying to get them to go to sleep and they love it when I am trying to wake them up.  The only time they voluntarily “bound out of bed” … um, actually I don’t think that has ever happened.  Mornings are not our favorite time of day. None of my kids are child prodigies-they won’t be graduating from high school at 13 headed for some Ivy League school. 

Just for the record, I am okay with that.

Somewhere along the way, over the last decade of our journey, I traded those idealized dreams for the reality of life.  Our days may not look like what I thought they would, and we may not have covered as much material as the world says we should have, but God’s hand has been in our journey.   Each of my children is smart in their own way.  They are gifted, maybe not by the world’s standards, but thankfully, it is God’s standards that matter. Their giftedness comes from Him and He doesn’t make mistakes.

There have been many difficult days on this journey.  Some of the troubles we have brought on ourselves, some are things that we simply couldn’t avoid.  But there have also been many wonderful days.  There have been days full of bickering and days full of snuggling.  There have been days when we struggled through the work and days when learning seemed effortless and fun.  Most days are a mixed bag of good and bad, easy and hard. There have been days when my only desire was to throw in the towel and just give up. Fortunately, on those days, my sweet husband reminds me that we didn't choose this path randomly.

God called us to it and confirmed it even before Ronnie and I were married.  

Each day that rolls presents an opportunity to choose joy.  I have become keenly aware, over the course of several years, that my children’s ability to navigate the day ~good or bad~ is directly connected to how I choose to navigate the day. Ouch.  I have no desire to admit how many days I have sabotaged with my own bad attitude. But, I am learning and they are learning and together we are making strides to change our attitudes.

I don’t claim to have gained much wisdom, but there are two things I would tell anyone new to the homeschooling journey.  Things I wish I had understood better when I first started out on this journey.

First and foremost, bathe your journey in prayer.  When the day starts to fall apart, don’t fall apart with it ~ stop immediately and pray.  And when you do fall apart (because we all do) don’t waste time beating yourself up about it. It won’t help.  I have begun to be honest with my kids … I tell them that I know I have messed up and ask them to forgive me.  And then we pray together and try again.  In the end, it is my prayer that my children will remember that we all make mistakes and we all need to seek forgiveness.

The second thing I know for certain is that we shouldn’t try to go this journey alone.  Ronnie and I have been blessed with a great biological family and a wonderful church family; both have been supportive of our journey, even when they don't fully understand what we are doing.  I am extremely thankful not to have faced opposition from either of these groups.  But, God has blessed us with another group of people to help us along the way and I am so thankful.

Our first year homeschooling, Ronnie and I went to a homeschool materials display at a nearby hotel.  While there, we ran into a friend of his from college.  He introduced me and during the course of the conversation, this old friend invited me to visit a meeting of her homeschool support group.  I had no idea what to expect and I didn't really know anyone there, but I went and have never regretted it.  Before I even knew that I needed a group, God met my need.  Just when I would begin thinking that I was the only one experiencing some particular problem, I would go to some event and in just chatting with other moms I would realize that I was not alone.  Later, our family would join with several others to form a new homeschool group and this group has become even more like family to me.  Some of the moms have been schooling their children much longer than I have, while others are just starting out; but we all have something to offer each other: community and shared experiences.  It is an excellent picture of the Titus 2 lifestyle ~ though often the wisdom flows both ways, not just from older to younger.  I have learned much from listening to others on this journey, no matter their age.

I firmly believe that God designed us for community.  Just like a Christian cannot thrive without a church family, I believe that homeschoolers need community, as well.  I realize that not every homeschooling family would agree that they need a support group, but I know that I most likely wouldn't have survived this journey alone and I am so thankful to God for having provided for me before I even knew what I needed.

I really didn't intend to write this particular post.  I actually began with the idea of sharing how one of the ladies in our group helped me to see some things I was missing as I begin a new phase of homeschooling with two teenagers - including our first high-school student.  But, now that this little history of our journey is written, I think I am glad.  Maybe one day it will help my children see the journey a little clearer.  

And, maybe it will help me to remember to be ever-thankful for the great blessings God has poured into my life through this journey of educating my children and finding out that I am learning at least as much as they are ... probably more.

ladies in hats

In just a few weeks, we will celebrate the sixth anniversary of my mother being diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Perhaps celebrate isn't exactly the right word, or then again, maybe it is.  For one thing, she is still with us and there is no doubting that we are celebrating her life.  Another thing is that Mama's battle with cancer has given her the opportunity to live out the grace of God in a way that is undeniable and in doing so she has inspired those around her.  I don't know that I had truly understood how much of an impact she has had on her friends until she was in the hospital awaiting brain surgery in April.  While we waited, I was able to witness the depth of friendship between Mama and her closest friends, many of whom are in the Sunday School class she has taught for just over 20 years.  I was moved nearly to tears on more than one occasion as I saw and heard one of Mama's friends kneel and pray for her.  I have always felt blessed by the relationship I have with Mama, but in those few days in the hospital, I became even more aware of how God is blessing others through her.  What an amazing legacy.

Today, in a show of support for Mama, her Sunday School class decided that they would all wear hats to church.  In the past, Mama has pretty much always worn a wig when she lost her hair.  But since having surgery, she hasn't wanted to wear the wig anymore and decided that hats were a better solution.  So, she bought some and I crocheted a couple for her and she has worn them most everywhere she goes.  The ladies thought it would be fun to wear hats and all sit together in church in honor of her.  What began as only her class grew into what I would guess was thirty or forty women in church this morning, all proudly wearing their hats.  When Mama told me what was going to be happening, LB and I decided to join in the fun.  I originally planned to wear one of Mama's hats, but ended up buying a new one~which gave me an excuse to buy a new shirt, too ;o) ~and I crocheted a hat to match the outfit LB was wearing.  LB's hat just happened to also match Mama's hat, except where LB's is yellow with white trim, Mama's is white with yellow trim.

Again, I am amazed at the outpouring of love for Mama.  There is no question that she has been an influence on many of the people she goes to church with and I think today she was encouraged by their love and support.  And even though I know God's timing is always perfect, I am also encouraged by the fact that this happened just as Mama is again facing decisions about how to proceed with the treatment of her cancer.  It wasn't a coincidence that the ladies picked today to wear their hats and I am so thankful to know the One who orchestrated this day and allowed me to be a part of it.

Mama with two of her three grand daughters

Some of Mama's Sunday School ladies

more of the SS ladies

Mama with her family (the two ladies on the end are my sisters-in-law)

hidden treasure

I only have a few minutes to post tonight, but I've been wanting so share something I came across while looking through old greeting cards for a craft project I am working on (actually, it is almost finished and I can't wait to share pictures when I am done!).

I have a habit of keeping things for very long periods of time and sometimes I find real gems hidden among the things that I probably should have gotten rid of years ago.  This is one of those times.  I am pretty certain that I know which of the ladies at church shared this in our Wednesday night devotion time, though I am not sure exactly when it was done ... sometime around 2004 or 2005 I would guess since the cards I was looking through came from those years.  Anyway, what I found is a small white card with the following printed on it.

When hopelessness, despair, and apparently impossible crises come into our lives, there are three things we can do:

1. Receive and believe in the love an delight of our heavenly Father. 2. Never cease to pour out our hearts before Him, crying to Him.

The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.  Zephaniah 3:17

O LORD God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee: Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry ... But unto thee have I cried, O LORD; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee. Psalm 88:1-2, 13

For who is God, save the LORD? and who is a rock, save our God? God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. He maketh my feet like hinds' feet: and setteth me upon my high places....For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me. 2nd Samuel 22:32-34; 40

The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace. Psalm 29:11






 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31*

I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, [even] of thine only. O God, thou hast taught me from my youth: and hitherto have I declared thy wondrous works. Psalm 71:16-17

In the day when I cried thou answered me, and strengthened me with strength in my soul.  Psalm 138:3

* This verse isn't on the original list, but I thought it fit.This little card encouraged me the night I found it.  I hope it brings you encouragement as well.3. Encourage our souls with His promises daily. (Here are just a few)

a random post to sum up a rather random week

I looked up the defintion for random and found this:

random ~ having no specific pattern, purpose, or objective
(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/random)

I'd say that is a perfect summation of this past week ... one of those two steps forward and three steps back kind of weeks.

There were some good elements to the week ... 

Both kids aced their math tests this week and since math tests are the only things that get graded around here, they really like seeing those papers. 

My Mama's best friend from highschool came to visit this week with her husband, who happens to be my Daddy's first cousin, and I got to visit with them for a little while on Wednesday.  I love seeing Mama and Bett together ... I firmly believe that such a friendship is truly a gift from God.

I finally broke down and bought myself a new pair of jeans, and I like them so much I may go back and get another pair!

We had our final consultation before D's dental surgery on March 1st.  It went pretty well and we were able to get some really helpful information from the guy who does the insurance billing for the anesthesiologist.  Hopefully, we will be able to use what he gave us to convince our medical insurance to pay their part, but even if that doesn't work, he has assured us that they will work with us.

Our family made a trip to Lifeway tonight and I splurged a bit on a new Selah cd and a book by Francine Rivers, which I can't wait to get into.

There were some not so good elements to the week as well ...

There are several things I could mention in this category, but they are all insignificant in light of one single thing.  As a matter of fact, my entire week, good and bad, is totally insignificant when placed in the light of what other members of my family are going through tonight.

My Uncle - Mama's brother-in-law - was diagnosed this week with a fast growing leukemia which is added to the skin cancer that he was already battling.  He was discharged from the hospital today to go home under the care of hospice. 

To be perfectly honest, I just don't have any words.

So tonight, with this situation and some hurting friends heavy on my heart, I opened my new Selah cd and found many wonderful songs, but one in particular that seemed to speak directly to my heart and these situations.  The song is called Unredeemed.  I hope it speaks to you as well.

(Don't forget to pause the blog music ... the player is at the bottom of the page)


If you want to hear Todd Smith telling about how this song found its way onto a Selah cd, click here.

focus

This post has been through several titles over the course of a couple of days as I have tried to decide what to post about this week.  In the end, I have decided to share the blessings of the week and let the rest fall by the way.  I will admit to having run the gamut of emotions this week and allowing circumstances to overwhelm me, but rather than choosing to focus my attention on my bad attitude I am going to focus on how God has blessed my family and me this week.

• My mom received wonderful news from her scan this week and will have a month off of chemo before they evaluate again.  This is a direct answer to many prayers that have been offered on behalf of Mama and all of our family.
• God provided an answer to a question that has been hanging over our heads off and on for several months now.  The answer is a little different from what we were hoping for, but we are claiming God's promise in Roman's 8:28.  We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. We are thankful that God has answered our prayer and provided the answer that we needed ... and, in light of other things that have been happening this week, we are pretty sure that we can now see why the answer had to be what it is.
• I am thankful for the answer God has provided for us to get D's dental work done.  This issue has caused quite a bit of emotion in this house this week and I believe that God used our emotion to send us to the place where we could get the answer we needed.  I won't pretend that it has been fun, but I do believe that the solution we are working on now is the right one.
• I am thankful for family and friends who have been there for me this week when I just needed to vent my frustration.  I am not proud of all of my reactions this week, but I am thankful that God has put people in my life who can help me look past the moment and look to God for all of my answers.
• Finally, I am simply thankful for the little things in life.  Things like the fact that no one in our family has gone hungry this week and we have clean running water and showers and heat.  I am thankful that my kids are all healthy ... this fact was driven home to me as Ronnie and I sat with D this week waiting for his dental consultation and watched the children who were waiting for surgical procedures on their eyes.  Most of them were there for repeat surgeries.  In other words, I am thankful for a new perspective on my children and the blessings of health.

God has reminded me this week that He has not left us, even when we can't see where things are going or what the answer will be.  This song brings that truth home to me in a special way.  I may not always (or ever) understand circumstances in my finite mind, but I can trust my Father, in His infinite love and wisdom to guide us where we need to go.  What an awesome promise.

a couple of new favorites

I have been working on a Christmas post all week, but it just never came together, so I guess I'll just scrap it ... or maybe I'll save it for next year.  I do hope that each of you had a wonderful Christmas, just as my family did.  After leaving church on Wednesday night, we didn't venture more than 5 miles from our house until after Christmas ... it was wonderful!  We spent Christmas Eve at home with my parents and 2 of my 3 brothers.  I love being at the home where I spent most of my childhood and having my kids play with their cousins in the same house that I played with my brothers.  Actually, I prefer seeing them play in the yard with their cousins, but since it was raining, that didn't work this year.

For Christmas Day, we just stayed in our own home and enjoyed the kids.  My parents came over in the afternoon and we ate homemade pizza.  All in all, it was a great day ... simple and uncomplicated.

Now, on to the new favorites.  Since it is time to change my blog music from Christmas back to regular music, I thought this would be a good time to leave the music off for a few days and share two of my new favorite songs.  Music has always been very important to me and I love old music.  I still love to sit and listen to the old songs that my brothers and I used to play on my Daddy's record player.  Music like that brings back sweet memories, even if the songs are silly or childish.  As much as I cling to old music, I still have room for new favorites as well and these two songs I am going to share here have earned a special place in my heart.

Just so you know, I do realize that these songs have been out for a few years, so they may not be as new to you as they are to me.  I'm always a little behind the times ... but that is okay with me!

The first song is one that I first heard at a preview service for the new Baptist Hymnal.  I must admit to being leery of the new hymnal.  Most people would probably describe me as an old fogey when it comes to church music.  I love to sing the hymns of my childhood (and my parents' childhood) and while I do enjoy some of the newer praise and worship music, I don't think they can take the place of the beautiful hymns that are falling by the wayside in so many churches today.  But, I digress ... the point is, that I wasn't sure what to expect from the new hymnal, but I was pleasantly surprised to find a good mixture of the old favorites, choruses and even great new hymns.  This song is an example of what I would call a great new hymn.



The second song is going to come as a shock to some who know me in a more personal way.  For years my friends Brad and Amy have been talking about the band Casting Crowns.  At first, I didn't expect to like any of their music ... they don't exactly qualify as my parents' church music you know.  But, as much as I hate to admit to being wrong, I'll make an exception on this occasion.  I have actually found several of their songs that I enjoy.  I think that what I like is that their music speaks to some very real and some very difficult situations that I have experienced and this song is no exception.



I pray that this music speaks to you.  Not because it speaks to me, but because it speaks of Jesus.  You see, I believe the message of this music with all of my heart.  For me, there is no question that the only hope I have for anything is In Christ Alone.  And, I have also found that praising Him in the storms of life - big or small - is the only way to survive those storms and come out stronger on the other side.

So, maybe this is my Christmas post after all.  Because all of the stuff we take part in during the Christmas holidays is totally meaningless if we leave the baby in the manger.  As beautiful as the Christmas season is, it is only the beginning of the story.  The Christmas story is where Jesus chose to lay aside His glory and come to earth knowing full well that 33 years later He would go to the Cross and complete the plan of redemption that was brought to earth in the form of a helpless baby.  Thank you, Jesus!

I want to be a Barnabas

Today's Sunday school lesson was about Barnabas, which means "son of consolation." He was given this name by his fellow disciples. What a testimony. The lesson asked what we thought our friends would nickname us based on the character we exhibit. Ouch. I am not sure I want to think about that.

I doubt that anyone who knows me well would wonder if encouragement is my spiritual gift. This is something that I really struggle with. Usually, when I am in a situation where I feel that encouragement is needed, I don't say anything. There are two reasons for this. Insecurity and fear. I just don't feel like I have anything useful to share and even if I did, I don't want to be rejected, especially by someone that I will have to come in contact with on a regular basis.

I am coming to realize that I have bought the lies sold by satan and, in doing so, I am failing to do what God expects of me. It is much easier to excuse my silence when I tell myself that I have nothing to offer because I have never been through what that person is experiencing. Or because I don't know what words to use to help. Or because they might think I am trying to pry into their personal life. Or .... you get the picture. I can find an endless supply of excuses for NOT being an encourager.

But, is this really what God wants from me. Consider Galatians 6:2: "Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." I think that the command is pretty clear here.

God will never be able to use me as an encourager as long as I sit in silence, wrapped up in my own insecurity and fear and refusing to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me. This is not how I want to be known. I don't want those I care about to think that I don't care just because I am afraid. I want to step out on faith and allow God to speak through me and maybe even use me to help someone through a difficult situation.

I want to be a Barnabas.