Monday, August 12, 2013

the bumpity road

I can't even begin to count the number of times that I have traveled over this road.

As kids, my brothers and I walked it to meet the school bus and rode our bikes (and later our horses) over its one little hill and hundreds of ruts to get to the main road,  you know, the one that was paved.  As teens, we learned to drive going back and forth to that main road. 

Now I drive this little road with my own kids.  As a matter of fact, they are the ones that dubbed it the bumpity road.  When they were younger, they couldn't wait to turn onto this dirt road because they knew that as soon as the car tires left the pavement it was safe for them to take off their seat belts.  

Very few people even know where this tiny little dirt road goes, but for me this little bumpity road is special for one very important reason ...

                                                                                 ... it leads home.

A few weeks ago, around the beginning of spring, I was driving this road alone and the sun was shining and the trees and grass were as green as I have ever seen them, and the thought came to me how this road is, in some ways, a lot like life.  

If I am only looking down at the bumps in the road, I might miss the beauty around me.

But there is much more to this little road than a life lesson.

This little road takes me to a place where I feel safe.  

A place where I can go to find refuge in a storm.


I wrote the words above sometime last year and, despite the fact that the road has gotten considerably more "bumpity" over the last few months, I find that they are still true today.  
You see, I am writing the post that I have been dreading since the first time I blogged about cancer.  And, despite the fact that I have written it in my head more than once~ testing the waters, so to speak~ I just haven't been able to find the right words or force my fingers to type them.  Truth be told, I don't want to write this post now, but I have come to realize that I must.  I cannot move forward until I gather my courage and do it.  I want to blog.  I have lots of posts that I want to write, but I just can't.  There was a time when I found great joy in blogging, but now I can't even comment on my friends' blogs ~ this unwritten post is just too heavy on my mind.

I know that this probably sounds a little melodramatic, but I just can't help it.  This is just one more step in walking through the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  Well, perhaps walking is the wrong word ... groping would probably be more accurate - now I'm going to do a little more groping and actually type the words ...

Last Friday was my Daddy's 71st birthday and last Friday also marked three months since my Mama went home to be with Jesus.  

There, I've said it.

There are many, many things I'd like to say about my Mama, and maybe someday I will share more of them here, but today I'll only share the thing that I have clung to for these last few months.  

My mother was serious about her faith.  She knew the love of her Savior here on earth and now she is experiencing that love first hand.  And, like many others before me, I can say that despite the fact that I am experiencing a sadness that I cannot explain in mere words, I would never, ever want her to leave the joys of Heaven to return to the pain of this fallen world.  

I don't suppose I will ever stop missing Mama as long as I am on this side of Heaven, but as long as I am here, I pray that I can follow in her footsteps and live the legacy she left for her children and grandchildren. 

 A legacy of love and devotion to her Savior, to her family, and to her friends.


I don't know how I originally intended to finish the post that I titled the bumpity road.  Who knows, maybe this is the ending that this particular post needed.

I do know that the bumpity road has changed for me.  
That little road still leads home, but it will never be the same.  

My understanding of home has changed.

I will always be thankful for the home that Mama made for our family and the fact that I could (and still can) return to that home and find comfort, but I am even more thankful for the knowledge that this fallen world, filled with bumpity roads, is not my final home.  

This is Mama's legacy.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, 
when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I
Psalm 61:2

I will say of the LORD, 
He is my refuge and my fortress: 
my God; in him will I trust. 
Psalm 91:2

Someday, when my children are grown, I pray that they will look at the bumpity roads that they have walked and know that there is a place where they can find refuge in a storm.  I pray that I will always point them to the One who is able to provide that refuge.  I always want to be there for them, just as Mama was always there for me, but ultimately, I hope they know, just as Mama taught me, that it is not me (or anyone else) that they need ... it is Jesus.

Jesus saith unto him, 
I am the way, the truth, and the life: 
no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. 
John 14:6

Peace I leave with you, 
my peace I give unto you: 
not as the world giveth, give I unto you. 
Let not your heart be troubled, 
neither let it be afraid. 
John 14:27

1 comment:

Rie said...

I love you. I want to say that first.

I am sorry for the loss of your mama. Only a lady like her could raise a woman like you. The post is beautiful, and worth waiting for - for the ones of us who have been waiting for you to write again.

I was taken in by every word you wrote and felt as though I cold feel your pain, but also your joy.

May we all give to our children what your mama gave to hers.